Britney Spears is opening up about how she feels her father, Jamie Spears, affected her body image.
On Tuesday, the pop star — whose 13-year conservatorship was terminated in November —shared an Instagram post, in which she lashed out at her father, who had been in control of both her personal and professional life before he was later suspended as Britney’s conservator in September.
Alongside a black-and-white photo of herself as a teenager, Britney, 40, said Jamie “ruined the deep seed of my existence,” saying she felt that she was “never good enough” during her conservatorship.
“13 was the age I actually felt kinda pretty … I think my rebellious days were due to the fact that I always had to be perfect and pretty,” the singer began in a since-deleted caption, per Daily Mail. “Then I went to the extremes and went wild and naughty. But in those rebellious days I honestly still felt hot as f—.”
“One thing the conservatorship did to me … and one of the things that hurt me the most … is that I was always being told I was fat and never good enough,” she continued.
The “Crossroads” star went on to call out Jamie specifically, saying, “My dad always made me feel like I had to try … try … try !!! BIG TIME !!! He ruined the deep seed of my existence … the seed that made me feel beautiful like when I was 13 … my confidence … my swag … my inner dialogue … and yes even my sex life … all completely ruined. He made me feel ugly … therefore I was.”
She added, “Trust me … feeling pretty is a whole different world … I know because I’ve witnessed both !!! If that makes some people feel uncomfortable … GOOD … the uncomfortable conversation is great !!!”
Britney then shared how her perception of herself has changed following the end of her conservatorship.
“The moment the conservatorship was over … I felt so good about myself !!,” she wrote. “And guess what … I stopped trying so damn hard and yes I entered a whole new world !!! I felt beautiful … therefore I was.”
However, the “Baby One More Time” singer noted that the “psychological damage from my dad and EVERY SINGLE F—ING person who went along with it will always be there.”
Britney concluded her post by saying, “What you think … there you are !!! I kinda feel 13 again.”
Meanwhile, also on Tuesday, the Grammy winner took to Instagram to share a photo of a beautiful painting as well as an original poem that she wrote.
“I used to write all the time !!! I had 133 pages … so dumb that I remember … which is actually a lot of poems !!!” she captioned the post. “I had written them in my son’s 5th grade binder that he gave to me … I had an idea to make a book with it and I thought ‘Is this work too personal ???'”
“I saw a book @kimkardashian did with selfies … at that time I wasn’t in the loop I didn’t even know selfies were in …,” Britney continued. “anyway the 133 pages … well it was by far the best work I had ever done … then I went on tour came back and absolutely all of it was gone … most will say she’s playing the victim but I honestly just say it like it is … yeah that was pretty thin to me and I was pissed so I stopped writing for a very long time …”
“I probably suck and have no idea but I enjoy it … so I do it … it’s so nice to share with you !!!,” she added.
In the emotional poem, Britney seemed to allude to her father and her conservatorship as she appears to write about feeling trapped. Read the full poem, below:
“What would it feel like to feel pretty when I kiss ???
Some look around has something been missed ???
To take off from the ground feel beautiful and soar
When I was younger … hunger more more more
Too rigid in ways … too scared to just leap
I have so much fear … my anchor, my feet
They planted me down … as I’m finding the floor
Witnessed my head the crown … I needed the door
No escape day after day days turned to years I forgot how to play
Numbed to the core please when I can I go
The blankets that fed the illusion just grows
Don’t fight don’t fight we’ve shown you what we will do
I want so bad to be bad their language too cruel
I take it in sometimes feel insane
Distorted from reality I felt so ashamed
Because when I spoke yeah she’s just crazy
They portrayed me as old and mad, but
maybe to wisen my input resort to math
Numbers are virtues that live in the past
Present be taken a sudden shift
Finding my heart the finest gift
Good morning new day birds will whistle
My eyes look up promise of a pencil
Pencil to hand … mystery stare
Finding my eyes who is this do I dare
Ignite in a box a toil to forgive
A mask I forgot my tongue learns to live.”